Father of Mine Or : How I Learned To Give Up Anger And Love My Kids Better

Howdy gang,

                I’ve been trying to make up for lost time, in more ways than one. I’ve gotten so far behind on my posts and it seems like I am playing catch-up in so many aspects of my life right now. I’ll quit playing coy here and I think it is just best for me to hop in…so here I go. (Quick disclaimer/warning: This post isn’t my typical sad-clown type of post. This one is a little more sentimental, but I promise that I will sprinkle in some nuggets of humor.)

                If you’ve been following Fatterhood, you will most likely recall that my dad left when I was very young. From what anyone can remember, we last saw each other when I was either 2 or 3 years old (I turned 30 earlier this month). To say that I have some very complex emotions regarding the whole situation is like saying that String Theory is “pretty complicated”. It just doesn’t do it justice. I’ve ran the full rollercoaster of emotions over the years. Ranging from apathy to sadness to anger and everything in between. Lately though, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about my past, my present, my future and how those play in to my emotions regarding each one. I found that I was holding on to one hell of a grudge for no particular reason. I mean, the situation was shitty growing up. No argument. But what bearing did that have on me now? Very little since I turned out fine regardless.

                After celebrating a wonderful Father’s Day with my family, I found myself on Facebook and I saw that my Dad (we added each other about 7 years ago, but rarely communicated) was, frankly, baiting me into speaking with him. He posted something to the effect of “Father’s Day isn’t a happy day for everyone. I wish my son could realize that being divorced doesn’t make me a bad dad.” Now…normally I would have either completely ignored him or lashed out with some sort of angry rant with a fervor that I usually reserve for drunken political discussions. This time though, I took a step back. I realized that this is a man that is essentially a stranger and he is literally begging for interaction from his son. I decided to put my own hurt feelings and irrational anger aside for once and reach out.

                I sent him a message via Facebook. I was pretty scared to reach out. We had traded a few messages back and forth via Facebook over the last 7 years, but I never initiated them and my replies were usually pretty short and cold. I decided to just put it out there. I’ll spare you the mushy details, but essentially I just told him that I had been very angry for as long as I could remember, but that I didn’t think that anger was doing me any good. I told him that I wanted to know his side of the story and I wanted to know what the hell he had been up to for the last 30 freaking years. I told him that I was happy that he seemed to have gotten his life together and that I wanted to take some responsibility for my own actions. For instance, he would write letters from time to time, but I never replied. I told him that I saw a narrow path for us to build a relationship and if he was willing to be patient and “play by my rules” that I really want to pursue it. I hit “send” and I just waited nervously.

                I got a reply that I was afraid to open. I let it sit for the evening and decided to read it the next morning. I think I managed to shock him with my honesty and just by taking the initiative to reach out. He sent back a very nice reply though. He seemed to be genuinely understanding about how awkward this whole thing was for me. He was just happy to hear from me and asked a few questions about me growing up and ended it with a “I love you”. In my reply, I realized that I was going to have to break his heart. I just wasn’t ready to say “I love you” back to a person that is essentially a stranger. I had to tell him that I just couldn’t bring myself to do it yet. I did want to give him some hope though so I told him that the way I figure it…I wouldn’t be as angry as I was if I didn’t care. If I obviously care, who’s to say that it can’t become love. Basically, I told him I wasn’t ruling it out, but that I just wasn’t ready.

                I  also replied back with answers to his questions, but I had questions of my own. I wanted to know his side of events. I never got the impression that my Ma ever lied to me, in fact most of the really bad stuff I didn’t find out until after she died and I found her old journals, but it was only one perspective. I wanted his take on how things went tits up. I also asked him why he never wrote more. His response made sense, but it kind of broke my heart. He said that he would write those letters and never get anything in return, so eventually he just assumed either I wasn’t getting them or I didn’t want to write him back. We found ourselves in a vicious cycle. I wanted more letters, but didn’t want to write him back and he didn’t write more letters because he never got the replies he wanted. He didn’t want to make excuses or put blame on me, but he told me that once he figured I didn’t love him anymore that it drove him in to a deep depression that lead to drugs, alcohol and violence which then just lead to more jail time which lead to him being out of my life even more.

                He genuinely didn’t mean to, but he kind of exploded my entire understanding of the events that took place! I mean, essentially I had grown up my entire life thinking that he abandoned my mother and I and that he chose drugs over his own son. As it turns out, if I had even once picked up a pencil and paper…then my life and his life could have been so different. It was a strange realization to find that I had let an irrational grudge destroy (at least partially destroy in my case) two lives. I hit me hard. Harder than the stank from one of Elizabeth’s poop diapers. Knocked me on my proverbial ass just like it though.

                We’ve traded back messages now a few times a day since Sunday. It has been a little awkward, but it has been nice. It is hard to pack in 30 years of happenings, thoughts, feelings, and stories in a Facebook message, but we are slowly plugging away. I think if we continue at our current pace, I may get the courage to call him on the phone or even one day meet up with him in person and have coffee or something. Not sure how things will end up, but I’m enjoying the painfully awkward process al the same. I’m still really kicking myself for not doing this sooner though.

                I’ve spent the majority of my life pissed off. I’ve held on to this grudge for so long that I couldn’t even properly express why the hell I was feeling the way I was or how I actually felt about it. Once I realized that this anger was weighing me down (My fat ass doesn’t need any more weight. Physical or emotional poundage just isn’t need currently.) and was starting to manifest itself in weird ways, I knew that I needed to either do something about it or let it go completely. I found that I couldn’t let it go. There was too much there that needed some form of closure, so my only option was to face it head on and do something about it. I feel so much better though! There have been some hard truths to come out of this and I’m not sure that the tangled web of feelings and emotions has gotten any easier for me to follow, but I just feel like a great weight has been lifted off of me. We still have work to do of course, but it feels great to give up that anger and become a happier and more present father. I hope we keep it up.

                In short, I don’t think you can really ever be a great parent if you are carrying around that much emotional baggage. It haunts every freaking decision that you make. I was constantly thinking, “What the fuck do you know about being a dad? Are you sure you’re up to this?” That kind of shit. I’ve gained a certain amount of emotional intelligence out of this and found a type of clarity. It has only been 3 days, but I already feel like I am more “in the moment”. I think it will just get better from here. My end goal is that maybe my children will be able to have a relationship with their grandfather. I don’t think it was fair that my grudge was stopping them from having family either. I guess time will tell though.

                I would like to thank my wonderful wife for being so supportive during this process. She has been with me for almost half of my life and this has been a part of her life for that whole time as well. As usual, I thank you for reading. I have some more posts in draft phase and I will return to my normally humorous sad-clown type of posts in the future. So check back soon. And check out Fatterhood on Facebook! Prost!

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Riddle me this!

Howdy gang,

            So, the Huffington Post posted this really cool article about questions to ask your dad while you still can. (You can view the original article here) I thought it would be kind of neat to answer these questions now for my children and eventually maybe take the time to reevaluate my answers once I get older. There is also a set of questions to ask your Mom that I suggest checking out (You can check it out here). I submit to you, dear reader, my answers. Enjoy!

1.      As a kid, what did you think you wanted to do for a living?

 Ya know?  I’m not really sure. I don’t think I’ve ever had the clarity of purpose that your mother had. There are two things thought that stick out. I remember REALLY wanting to be an astronaut. I’ve loved space and science fiction for as long as I can remember, but at one point I realized how much math was involved with being an astronaut and I got discouraged. After that, I wanted to be either a paleontologist or an archeologist. I feel in love with dinosaurs when Jurassic Park came out and thought that would be really cool, but I never stuck with it for some reason. I kind of fell in to my current job, but I really love it. So, I lucked out there.

2. In hindsight, is there a time you didn’t stand up for someone or something (a person, a cause) but wish you did? Why didn’t you at the time?

I’ve always been pretty politically active and quite vocal. I don’t recall there ever being a time that I didn’t speak my mind and stand up for what I believe in. But I can think of a few times when I was younger that I didn’t speak up for someone, especially when they were getting picked on. Sadly, I can think of a few times where I even joined in. I’m not proud of that at all, but it happened. As to why I didn’t speak up, I’m not sure. I think part of it was just being a kid and wanting to fit in with the group. As I got older, I found that sometimes the group sucks and I never really wanted to be a part of it anyway. I think that is the learning curve involved with growing up.

3. How has your idea of what it means to be a man changed over the span of your life?

Ah man…that is a tough one. My dad wasn’t around when I was little, so I remember being terrified at the very thought of becoming a dad because I didn’t really know what that even meant. For much of my life, I relied on pop culture to dictate what “being a man” was. I remember thinking that a “real man” never cries, never deals with his emotions, definitely doesn’t express those emotions other than perhaps anger, is in to sports, knows how to hunt, and works on cars. There was a time where I literally thought that “being a man” was really just trying to bang as many women as possible. As I got older, I realized that pretty much all of that was nonsense. Ironically, I became a real adult and parent at the right time. Pop culture started to change. There were more depictions of “modern men” that were more on par with how I felt and acted. I was in a generation of men that was raised by women and we acted accordingly. I have a beard at the time of writing this because I hate shaving. Why? Because my Mother didn’t know a damn thing about how to shave a face and as a result, shaving was painful for me. So, what is my current version of what it means to be a man? I think a real man doesn’t really give two shits about what anyone, outside of his family, thinks of him. I’m not a sports-guy or a hunter or a mechanic and I don’t’ really care. I have my own interests, hobbies, desires, etc. And don’t care if that makes me “manly” or not.  I have no issue with expressing my feelings/emotions. I think being a real man involves learning from one’s mistakes and trying not to repeat them.

4. What’s one thing your mom or dad always used to tell you growing up that turned out to be true?

 Ma always told me that time would seem to move faster as I got older. I shrugged it off since I was “young, dumb and going to live forever”. I’m 30 at the time of writing this and time has already started to move at a pace that I just can’t keep up with. I remember being a kid and hearing that something was a year away and I would think, “My god! That’s forever away and it probably will NEVER COME!” Now if I hear something is a decade away I think, “Well…that’ll be here before we know it.” Like so many things, I wish that I had listened to Ma and lived in the moment more.

5. What were some of your biggest insecurities when you were in high school?

 I put on a pretty good mask while in high school. I’ve had more than a few classmates remark that I seemed to “never care what others thought”. It was a good mask/defense mechanism. Like most teens, I thought that I was too fat, too stupid, not popular enough, etc. It is hard for me to really remember my biggest insecurities at that time, because now I really don’t care. If someone doesn’t like me…that’s their bag. If someone thinks I’m too fat…well thank god they aren’t in charge of my diet. I could go on and on, but high school was 4 short years that felt like an eternity and it felt like that for most people. I find it sad that there are people who felt like they peaked in high school. They feel they were the best version of themselves from the ages of 14-18. How sad is that? They apparently never have grown as a person.

6. Are you where you thought you’d be at this point in your life?

 Yes and no. I never thought too much about where or how I would actually end up. In high school I had asperations of being in a band. I thought that I would enjoy touring the country and playing music. I arguably had the chance to do just that shortly after your Ma and I got married. I was in a band and the guys wanted to take the next step and start hitting the road. I didn’t want to leave the job I liked and my new wife behind. I had responsibilities that I enjoyed. I made the choice to build a family. I had never ruled out the idea of being a family man, I just hadn’t really considered it much either. Now that I’m here, I wouldn’t change it at all.

7. What was the first time you remember really getting your feelings hurt? By whom and what happened?

I’m not sure that I recall the first time. I think it would probably just be being little and not understanding why my dad wasn’t around. There were a lot of factors as to why he couldn’t be around. I am only now understanding those factors, it was definitely too much for a small child to understand. Right or wrong, my feelings were hurt. I was mad at my mom and my dad. I was angry at myself for having so little control over the situation and I was sad that I wasn’t able to see him. Very complex emotions for an adult, let alone a child.

8. Who was the first person you said, “I love you” to in a romantic context? Did he or she say it back?

 I remember saying it to my 7^th grade girlfriend for the first time and yes, she said it back. I don’t think that either of us really understood the weight of that phrase though at the time, so I’m not sure that should really even count. If it doesn’t count, then I would say the first person that I really said it to in a romantic context and where I fully understood the weight of the phrase, was to your mother. We started dating when we were 15, so perhaps we didn’t really understand it then either. But it just felt right.

9. (If your parents got married): What was the moment you realized you wanted to marry Mom or Dad?

I’m not sure if there was a single solitary moment. It was a collection of thousands of moments. But I do recall the time that I decided that I was going to propose. Your mother went to college in Milwaukee and we were going to have to do the long-distance relationship. It terrified the shit out of me. I considered breaking up with her because I was going to miss her so much. Yep. You may need to re-read that and slower, but that was my though process. Instead, we put in the extra effort and made it work. It sucked, but we lived for the time we got to spend together. That’s when it kind of hit me that we really had to have something special.

10. If you could have dinner with three famous people, living or dead, who would they be?

 Hmmm…tough one. I think I would have to go with the Patton Oswald. He is a comedian and he just seems like someone that I could really relate to personally and like he would be someone that is really fun to have a dinner conversation with. Second, I think it would be cool to spend the day with comedian Nick Offerman. Not only is he a comedian, but he is a noted woodworker and outdoorsman, pretty sure it would be cool to sit down with him as well. And lastly, I think I would love to have dinner with Ben Franklin. Getting a chance to speak with a Founding Father, inventor, statesmen, and author is just too great to pass up.

11. What did a typical Friday night look like for you at age 17?

Ha. At 17 we didn’t do much. Usually your mother and I would get together with friends. We would drive to Menomonie and see a movie, loiter at the local Perkin’s restaurant, and then loiter at the local Wal-Mart. Your Mom and I worked throughout high school though too, so many times one of us was at work. You mom worked at the Dairy Queen and I worked at the library at that time. My hours were more flexible than hers, so usually I was out more. Your Mom’s parents were also much more strict than my Ma was. So I could stay out late, but your Mom was usually due home by 10pm. We did a lot of stupid stuff at that time, but we never really got in trouble either.

12. Is there something you’ve always wanted to do, but never got the chance?

 Travel. I really wanted to see the world, especially Japan, Ireland, Germany, Italy, Egypt, and most of South America. Money and time have been huge factors there, but I’ve made my decisions that lead to me not traveling. I’m okay with my choices. May still get to do it someday.

13. When do you feel the happiest?

I know what I should say. I should say when I am around my kids. And for the most part, that is very accurate. On a day to day basis, nothing brings me more joy than just sitting on the floor and playing with my kids. But, I think most of my friends and family will tell you that you won’t ever see a smile on my face like you see after I go to a concert or if I played a show. I’ve been told that I have a “post-show-glow” for several hours and I can’t shake the smile on my face. I can see that. There is something indescribable about seeing or putting on a show. I think it won’t be too much longer and I will be able to do both. Spend time with my kids AND see a show. I got to take Elizabeth to see one of my all-time favorite bands last summer. She was too small to really get what was going on or appreciate it, but it was still one of the best experiences that I’ve had in my life to this point.

14. What’s one underrated but important skill a person should possess?

 Learn by doing. I’m not sure it is necessarily “underrated” but it is important. So many people won’t just jump in to learn something. They are afraid of failure or of what others will think and I think that is nonsense. We all usually learn more from our mistakes than our successes, so why not learn by doing? Hop in and figure it out. A close second for me is the ability to debate. Many people see it as being argumentative, but it is important to form and back up an opinion all while actively listening to the counter argument.

15. What’s the best gift you’ve ever received?

I’ve received a lot of great gifts. I’ve always been pretty fortunate. I think it would be a 3-way tie though and each for a different reason. 1^st was a Mickey Mouse toy I got when I was itty bitty. My Ma was recently divorced, super poor and ended up utilizing Toys For Tots. Ma was a very proud woman and it took a lot for her to accept charity, but she wanted her son to have a good Christmas, so she swallowed her pride. That is a very good lesson for a parent to learn. Second was the drum set I got when I was a sophomore or a junior. Ma was broke again and we weren’t going to do anything for Christmas. I was old enough to be okay with it, but Grandma Goose thought that was nonsense. Ma had told her how much I really wanted a drum set and that I was saving up to buy one. Grandma Goose gave Ma the money for me to buy my first used drum set. I put that thing through the wringer and it is a very cherished item. 3 was my children. The best gift my wife could ever give me. You kids have changed almost everything about me and I’m totally cool with that. You are literally the gift that keeps on giving.

16. What has been your favorite age so far and why?

 I’m not sure if I really had a favorite age. I found love at 15. Found a job I love at 20. Got married at 22. Got to be a dad for the first time at 27. And I get to be a dad again at 30. All of them have had amazing ups and downs. I will say the year I spent in Arkansaw living with our high school friend Trevor was so much fun. I was 21-22 and we spent a whole year pretty much doing whatever we wanted. We stayed up late, had parties, played video games, played music, went to concerts, etc. We pretty much did what we wanted when we wanted. I could never live like that forever, but for a year it was a blast.

17. How do you want to be remembered?

I’m not sure I get much of a say in this. It is kind of like picking your own nickname. It just doesn’t feel organic. I mean, I get a say in how I am remembered by my actions. Obliviously. But I’ve found that we get much less of a say in others’ opinions of ourselves than we may think. I guess I would like to be remembered as an imperfect guy that got extremely lucky and got to lead a perfect life. I hope that others remember me for the laughs that I brought them and not for the times that I may have hurt them. I hope my wife remembers the young, dumb, and in love 15 year old version of me and not the (sometimes) jaded, cranky old man that I’ve become. I hope my kids remember me playing on the floor with them and sneaking them snacks and not the times that I was at work. I guess I will just have to endeavor to do better so that is how I am remembered.

            I hope you enjoyed my responses. I suggest trying this out for yourself. It was a lot of fun, but it did make me get really introspective. These questions are a lot harder than you would think. Or better yet, try them out with your own folks. I think you may be surprised at what you find out. Don’t forget to check out Fatterhood on Facebook! As always, thanks for reading and PROST!

Cha-cha-changes!

Howdy gang,

                We’ve been out of print for some time now. Dear Lord. It has been almost a full year since I posted a damn blog. So much has changed in that time. If you follow my family on the Fatterhood Facebook page, then I’m sure you’ve seen how much has changed. Elizabeth is now a real little person. She is walking, running, jumping, and constantly talking. She has a pretty well-formed personality already too. She loves to make my wife and I laugh, which is kind of a curse. If she does something naughty, but we laugh…she latches on to that and will keep doing it to get a laugh out of us. I’ll put up with it though. Her big belly laugh totally makes it worth it. Let’s see if I can bring us up to speed a little better though.

                Like I said, Ewok is growing like a damn weed. The past year was kind of a rough one, hence me not posting. My work has made things challenging and we had another round of never ending sickness in our home. Ewok had some chronic ear infections for a few months. Those are a wonderful genetic gift from me. We ended up having ear tubes put it and her adenoids removed, which seemed to help a lot. Right about the time we finally got her ears under control, she started popping teeth left and right. This kid might be a damn shark with the amount of teething she did! There were quite a few months were pretty much NOBODY slept in our house.

                In December, my wife officially cut Elizabeth off of the boob. Elizabeth had pretty much only been breastfeeding one time a day, which was at bedtime. Both of my ladies did so well with it. When my wife had told me that she was dead-set on breastfeeding, I really didn’t know much about it or what all it entailed, so I was ignorantly supportive. It didn’t take me long to figure out how much was actually involved with such an endeavor. There were sleepless nights, some awkward social interactions in public, and despite popular opinion…it isn’t necessarily cheaper to breastfeed. Since my wife works, she had to clock out to pump, then there were bottles, storage bags, filters, coolers, freezing and re-heating milk, etc. It is a rather costly endeavor, but I feel like it was worth it. Either way, I’m pretty proud at the commitment of my wife and how well Ewok did with the weening.

                Ewok has been picking up words left and right. It started slow at first. She basically just was saying the words that she knew the sign language for since we reinforced those words when we did the sign. So she was saying “please”, “thank you”, “more”, etc. all of the time. Then she started putting words and concepts together. “Daddy go work?” was heard a bunch. But the last month or so, the chatter is none stop and she has started with legitimate sentences. Just this last weekend she said, “No Daddy. You read the book to me!” I was blown away! We understand about 90% of what she is saying now, which has made things far easier on me. I would get very frustrated, and so did she, when I couldn’t figure out what she wanted. I would do a lot of trial and error guessing and it would get us both pretty flustered. Now though, she can tell me what she wants or needs. I can even rationalize with her a little bit. It really has been fun to learn together on this one.

                We also got some pretty big news since the last blog post. We found out this fall that we are expecting a new baby! My wife and I had been kicking around the idea of trying again last spring/summer. Well, one evening I got wine drunk and watched the episode of The Office when Jim and Pam found out that they were pregnant. I cried like a big dumb baby. Becoming a dad was one of the greatest (if not THE greatest) moments in my entire life. My wife got up to use the bathroom that night and I told her that we should start trying for a second baby. The adventure started again. We assumed that we would have issues conceiving like we did with Elizabeth, but we really didn’t. With Elizabeth, it took almost 2 years before my wife got pregnant, this time it was less than 6 months. I guess our bodies just knew what to do this time.

                We found out this winter that we would be having a boy. My wife didn’t want to find out the sex, but she had promised me that we could after I acquiesced with Elizabeth. I can’t explain why I wanted to know so badly, but I really did. My wife did the blood test to determine the sex and we had to wait a few weeks to get the results. I was able to make it to that doctor’s visit this time and was very excited to hear. My wife’s doc is a really nice and quirky dude, but I must admit that I think that is unwillingness to use basic anatomy terms is a bit unsettling. For instance, e almost never says “penis” or “vagina”. Instead he uses “peep” or “hoo-ha”. My wife likes him, so I deal with it. Anyway, when it came time to reveal the sex it presented it in a pretty unprofessional but hilarious way. He looked at us and said, “Well, your husband might be a little jealous. There’s another penis (he actually said penis this time!) inside of you. You’re having a boy.” I didn’t really care if it was a boy or a girl, but there is something appealing as a man about having a baby boy. More on that later.

                In short, this year has been interesting and challenging. We’ve had some setbacks, but we’ve also had some amazing triumphs. I’m excited and terrified to become a father again. It seems like I just found my groove when I comes to raising a kid and now I’m throwing a whole new factor in. I’m sure I’ll learn along the way though. I mean…I learned a lot with Elizabeth, so how much harder can another kid be on top of it? Those sound like famous last words to me…

                Thank you all for reading. I have a few more posts coming in the very near future, so check back soon. Don’t forget to check out Fatterhood on Facebook. Don’t forget to check out and support my (TOTALLY UNOFFICAL) sponsors Winking Owl Wine, Aldi Liquor Department, and Pabst Blue Ribbon, New Glarus Brewing, and Leinenkugel's Brewing. More shenanigans to come! As always…Prost!

First Vlog for the Blog. Am I just making words up now?

Elizabeth's Easter

Howdy gang,

                UGH! A few weeks ago, I was in the process of working on two different blog posts when I committed a cardinal sin of being nerdy…I didn’t save them. My computer crashed and I didn’t save either one beforehand. What a dumb ass. I will give you the short and sweet version of both of those posts.

                Post 1: Teething and work suck.

                Post 2: The Minnesota Wild game was a blast and Elizabeth loved swimming in the hotel pool.

                There was more of course, but that is the gist of both. So, now on to the new post! This last weekend we had Easter dinner at my in-laws which also doubled as Elizabeth’s birthday party. We opted for a very low-key affair with limited family and no friends. It was perhaps a strange and unpopular choice, but we stand by it. We’ve been so damn busy lately that the very thought of having to prepare for, entertain, and clean-up a birthday party sounds like as much fun as allowing Elizabeth to shit directly in to my open mouth. We love our friends and our extended family, but we frankly just didn’t have the energy to do the full shindig.

                Elizabeth still managed to have fun though. Of course, she giggles at her own toes, so it isn’t very hard to entertain her. She had a wonderful cake that was baked and decorated by my sister-in-law, she received many books, a few stuffed animals, a name sign that my Uncle/Godfather made for her; in short, she made out like a freaking bandit. The books are more appreciated by my wife and I than by Elizabeth though. We’ve read her existing books so many times that we kind of dread reading time. I’ve taken to making up my own stories since Elizabeth doesn’t know what the hell I am really saying anyway. My Father of the Year Award is most likely in the mail already.

                Over the weekend we had amazingly nice weather. Sun was out, wasn’t too hot, wind wasn’t terrible, etc. We spent a good chunk of Sunday outside enjoying the swing set that my in-laws got for Ewok, playing in the grass, going for a walk, and just generally enjoying NOT being stuck inside. Elizabeth had never really felt grass until last weekend. Last summer she was “too little” to play in the grass. I put that in quotations because I call bullshit. My wife had a wee bit of First Time Parent Syndrome and was/is a touch overprotective. That being said, I don’t buck it too much because generally speaking my wife is far smarter than I am and as a general rule I also know jack-shit about raising a child. So I do my best to just go with the flow.

                Anyway, back to my initial thought/story. She loved pulling out the grass and examining it with the same look of confusion and intensity that I usually reserve for when I encounter a salad. She loved getting the fresh air and going for a walk in her stroller. The more interesting part of the day was her reaction to her swing. At first we weren’t sure that she liked it. We put her in and gave her a push and the look on her face was one of utter boredom. A little dismayed, we pulled her out of it and she proceeded to point at the swing, make a grunt sound, and then point or hit her own chest. It seemed like she was trying to tell us to put her back in the swing. We obliged and the cycle continued. When we went inside the house, she went to the porch window and pointed at her swing and then pounded on the glass. Now, we’ve been making an extra effort to go outside and get some fresh air before we do our dinner and bedtime routine. Out of nowhere this evening, she started just giggling and smiling the whole time she is in the swing. I’m not sure I will ever figure this damn kid out.

                My wife has been trying to pound in a legit bedtime routine and she has made some great headway. She is really good about letting us know that she is tired right around that 7:15 mark. She gets to pick out 3 books, they read them, they move in to Elizabeth’s bedroom, Elizabeth turns off her bedroom light, and they rock for a bit before my wife attempts to lay her down in the crib. She has had limited success with this routine. Most nights, I would say a solid 60% of the time, she puts herself to sleep in her crib and is OUT by 7:45 or 8. Then there is the other 40% that is not as successful. For instance, tonight it was 10:00 before my wife was able to get her out. She kept trying to play even though she was obviously tired. The great accomplishment that my wife has is that, for the most part, we are down to only 2 wake-ups a night and she is great about just going back to sleep by herself. That is a great improvement from the 1,248,372 times she was getting up every night. This though has lead to an interesting conundrum…

                You see, I can sleep through anything. And I mean ANYTHING. I’ve literally slept through a tornado. My wife on the other hand is an incredibly light sleeper. In theory, this actually shouldn’t be a huge issue because I am also a night owl while she is the proverbial early bird. So again in theory, one would think that I would just stay up with Elizabeth (since I am up anyway) and then my wife would take over from about 5am onward. But here comes the wrench, if Elizabeth is being fussy (like she is currently due to teething) my wife will wake up for every single sniffle. So what we end up with, is my wife staying up all night taking care of Elizabeth, since she won’t be able to sleep anyway and Elizabeth tends to prefer Mom for comfort, while I stay awake all night playing video games, surfing the internet, and reading. Before any of you co-parents out there start getting our torches and pitchforks ready, make sure you read the part where I strongly imply that I would LIKE to help out. We are going to attempt a solution that is far from perfect, but that we hope will help. We will start having me be on the night watch and my wife will start sleeping in our downstairs guestroom so that she won’t hear Elizabeth fuss or cry. My prediction though… my wife will attempt this, but will find herself lying in bed and will keep herself awake because she doesn’t hear anything. I got $20 on that right now. We will see.

                I will have another post up very soon as I have one in the works and I have saved it this time. As always, thanks for reading, checkout Fatterhood on Facebook, and check back soon. Prost!

March Madness

Howdy gang,

                Holy shit…little lady is almost 11 months old already! I seriously have NO idea where the hell this time has gone. I remember when I set out on this endeavor; I honestly was shooting for at least one post a week, then it turned in to every 2 weeks and now I am thrilled if I can squeeze it in once a month. Little lady has been keeping us extremely busy. We are on our third ear infection in less than 3 months, which means that ear tubes are most likely in our future. These damn ear infections are yet another genetic gift that I bestowed upon my little Ewok. For the most part though, it doesn’t really seem to be bothering her too much. Actually, it seems that for this last leg of the infection, she has been even goofier and more happy-go-lucky than usual even. Daycare said that for the last 2 weeks that she has been a giant ham and super playful. The diaper rash caused by the diarrhea which is caused by the antibiotic though, can go away any damn time now…

                It has been a busy month since my last post. I won’t bore you with how work is still trying to kill me, but it has been trying very hard it seems. I’ve managed to stow my bad attitude that I had acquired regarding the division of labor in our home. I’m not sure how much progress I’ve actually made, but my wife seems much happier lately and to tell you the truth…so do I. We’ve gotten much better about just letting some shit go. The dishes will still be there tomorrow, as will the laundry, ditto for the vacuuming, etc. We’ve just been trying to focus on the stuff that has to be done on a nightly basis, pecking away when and where we can on the other stuff, and really just trying to get in as much family time as possible. That has been easier said than done of course the last few weeks with all of the visitors that my little lady has had.

                2 weeks ago, some friends of ours drove up to spend the weekend with us and mostly to see Ewok. For the purposes of this story, we will call them Bill and Polly. Bill and Polly are the type of friends that we really only get to see once or twice a year, but we always pick up right where we left off the time before. When they arrived at our house, it was just Ewok and I. Little lady had actually just woken up from a nap and was highly confused at the 2 new people that seemed very excited to see her. It took quite a bit longer than normal for her to warm up to them, which I found strange as she is normally very good with meeting new people. Once my wife came home though and Uncle Bill and Aunt Polly gave Ewok a present (what a greedy little turd), her normal personality came out again. She loved the DC Superhero Little People that they got her and went ape for them for pretty much the entire weekend. We couldn’t leave the house without Batman and Batgirl and I was fine with it as it kept her very entertained. We ended up taking a baby to the local winery/distillery and to a local brewery/beer hall. Got some mixed reactions, but we did find that if you show up with a baby, you tend to get A) quick service and B) A reasonable amount of free samples. 10/10, would bring baby again. We did a lot of be lazy around the house, talking, catching up and playing with Elizabeth. Elizabeth really liked her visitors, but ended up being a little cranky by the time they left due to the changes in her routine. Ended up being round 2 of her ear infection. Yay!

                This last weekend, we had another old friend come and visit with his 6 year old daughter. We’ll call him Ken and his daughter Lucy. Elizabeth didn’t really seem to care for Ken. Not even a little bit actually. Ken is one of the kindest people you will ever meet in your entire life. He may be the best father that has ever lived (more on that in a minute), but he is also a former semi-pro weightlifter/strongman. So it goes without saying that he is a big dude that looks like he could kill The Hulk. Elizabeth just didn’t know what to do with him. She spent the majority of the weekend just mean mugging him even though he was trying his hardest to get her to warm up. The silver lining though is that Elizabeth LOVED Lucy. It was ridiculous. We couldn’t keep Ewok away from her. Lucy has seven (if my memory serves me) step and half siblings so she has grown used to having babies crawling on her. She was sooooo good with Elizabeth. Lucy even got Elizabeth to give her a hug and several kisses! This is the first time that she’s done that! For the record, Elizabeth’s version of ‘kiss’ means that she opens her mouth wide, places it somewhere on your face (sometimes directly over the other person’s mouth), drools, and then pulls off and smiles. It was easily the cutest thing I had ever seen.

                Like I said, Ken is honestly the gold standard for dads. I’ve spoken quite highly of my father-in-law (and he deserves every word of it), but Ken might be even better. Ken and Lucy’s mom are not together any more, but he has 50/50 custody and you will be hard pressed to find a more attentive and loving parent. Period. He has raised such a great kid. Lucy is smart, funny, nerdy, well behaved, and is great with kids and adults. As an example, 2 years ago my wife and I went up and visited Lucy and Ken and we went to the Mall of America. We took a 4 year old in to the Disney Store and the Lego store without having to buy anything and without a temper tantrum! She let us talk while she played. She was and is a delight to be around. If Elizabeth ends up half as awesome as Lucy, then I will call myself a successful parent. Ken even does hair! That is something that I know I will have to learn sooner rather than later, but this dickhead makes the rest of us dads look bad because he took the time to learn how to do a French braid! When The Force Awakens came out, he saw Rey’s hair and learned how to do the triple pony tail braid that she wears because he knew Lucy would love it. It was seriously great to catch up with him and do a little learning from him as well.

                Tomorrow night I will be out of town for work, but I am planning on picking up Ewok early so that I can get a little Daddy/Daughter time in before I have to leave. I especially want to squeeze in some extra time since we will be busy this weekend yet again. We are heading up with Doc, Ginger and a few other couples to go see a Minnesota Wild game. We will be spending Saturday night evening after the game in the cities so that we can hopefully get Elizabeth in bed at a halfway decent time. I’m looking forward to it, but it will still be a long and “interesting” weekend. I just hope that we don’t throw the little lady off too much from her routine. I will have to update you all afterwards so we can see how it goes I guess.

                This last Sunday would have been my Ma’s birthday. Since her passing, I have usually “celebrated” by getting wildly drunk by myself, much in the same way that I remember her on the date of her death. Usually my wife and I like to do something the day off, like go out to dinner or see a movie and THEN I get drunk. It was nice having the visitors this last weekend as a type of pleasant distraction. My sister-in-law and her husband still came over after Ken and Lucy left so that my wife and I could go do something in the afternoon. We opted out of the normal dinner and/or movie and we just did some light shopping and got out of the house. It was actually really strange to be baby-free like that. I didn’t have my 25 pound potato sack hanging on my arm like I normally do which left me with two free hands to pester my wife just like the good old days. It was indescribably weird though. It’s not like I don’t go places alone, but I realized that my wife and I rarely go anywhere together any more without Elizabeth. My wife held my hand as we walked through the local mall and I almost had forgotten what it had felt like. Maybe we need to try to do a little more baby-free time?

                I have more…but it is getting late and my drink is gone. So I will try to get another post up later this week yet. In the meantime, I thank you for reading as always. Keep up with some of the daily fun with Fatterhood on Facebook. Until next time…PROST!

Cat's in the cradle

Howdy gang,

                So, I am thoroughly drunk. I was a mere one sheet to the wind when I finished up my other post, but now I am a full 3 sheets to the wind. I have an overall theme/topic for this post, but before I jump in to that I did want to finally update you on my little lady. 1^st off, I can’t believe that she is 10 months old already! Holy shit, when the hell did that happen? She is working on teeth 9 and 10 currently, which blows. Doc said that her early teeth are genetic and that she took after Daddy on this one. Yay! I had all of my teeth before I was 1 and it caused quite a few problems once I got older. Can’t wait for that bullshit. I find it a little hard to believe that she seems to be expressing ONLY my genetics so far. She still has my goofy ass proportions as well. She has moved up to 12 month size shirts, but due to her long torso (just like Daddy) even the 12 month shirts are pretty much belly shirts. She also managed to get my short, stubby legs so she is still in 6-9 month pants, many of which we have to roll up to accommodate her Hobbit-like legs. She also had the misfortune of getting my wide feet, so shoes are just a huge pain in the ass right now.

                Once you negate her goofy ass proportions, she really is such a pretty little girl. Her eyes are currently blue, but they seem to be shifting to more of a green color. In case you were wondering, my wife has Hazel-ish eyes and mine are more of a gray color. Her hair is still a mix of red, blonde, and brunette depending on what light you catch it in. I am pretty sure she will be a little blondie, but I am unsure. If she ends up a ginger then I think Uncle Thad has some explaining to do. Table foods have been all the rage at our house lately. She doesn’t seem to give two shits about fruits or other fun foods. My girl loves green beans. That or anything with strong flavoring. She loved the garlic pesto pasta that my wife made, but couldn’t have been less thrilled with a damn banana. I’m unsure where this is coming from since I was a VERY picky eater until probably 12 years ago. My wife was average for pickiness while growing up, but very adventurous once she got older. Not sure where Elizabeth picked this shit up from though.

                Her personality is starting to become more apparent every day. She loves music, being tickled, and teasing daddy. As it turns out, Karma is real and our constant picking on our niece about her love of “sock hands” has come back to bite us in the ass. She is known as “The Sock Kid” at daycare now. Most of the time she can be found pulling off the other kids’ socks, her own socks, or patrolling the room looking for any unattended sock. Now at home, she has taken to carrying a sock with her wherever she goes. Her new game is to act like she is handing the sock to me and then quickly pulling it away and giggling. She also mimics every damn thing that I do. It managed to even become a problem at daycare and I started playing a game with her where I pretended to eat one of her toys and then pretend to puke it back up. While at daycare they thought she was gagging because she was making the “bleck” fake vomit sound that daddy did. That one took some explaining at daycare…

                I think you are pretty much caught up on my little lady now. I have found myself recently thinking about the past and the present almost simultaneously. I think back to when she was a newborn and how I wished she would start crawling. Now that she is crawling, I long for the days of her being stationary. If you read my last post, I was starting to come up with ways to pay her back once she got older. My number one idea so far, is to wait until she gets a car and then shit in it. Anyways I was mentioning that idea to my father in law when he said, “You just wait until she turns 16. By then you will be wishing your only problem with her was poop.” That got me thinking. Perhaps the grass is always greener in the future only to realize that your grass was pretty green before. As I’ve made mention before, I greatly respect and admire my father in law. He has a way of delivering a profound message with humor that is truly inspiring. This got me thinking though more about my own past and my own future, especially after my 4^th brandy and coke.

                I talked early on in my Fatterhood writings about my own father. To say that he and I are estranged might be putting it lightly. From about 1997-2004, I honestly couldn’t’ have told you if he was alive or dead. We have slowly been trying to start a new relationship, mainly through Facebook at this point. As apprehensive as I still am, I have to admit that he really has been fantastic throughout the whole process thus far. This has really gotten me thinking am I punishing Elizabeth by holding on to my anger? He wants to be a part of her life, he hasn’t explicitly said so, but he has made it clear enough. At this point though, I am not ready for it. But am I denying her the opportunity to get to know her grandfather because I am holding on to a 26ish year old grudge?

Following the death of my mother, but before my father and I started to reconcile, I had promised myself that my future child would be told that their paternal grandparents were both dead. This thought came with the best of intentions. I wanted to shield my child from any of the pain, anger, or weight that I had growing up, but looking at it now, I think that my idea may in fact cause those things. Whenever the though crosses my mind, I think back to what my grandmother had told me. While sitting at her dinner table I had told her that I received a letter from my dad and that I didn’t want to open it. I told her that I didn’t care what he had to say. That’s when she told me, “You’re dad had a lot of problems. I don’t think your Ma has told me about all of the problems he’s had. But I do know one thing Brian…your dad has always loved you. He may not being showing it the way you or anybody else would like, but I know he loves you. With all of the problems that he’s had, maybe the best thing he could do is to stay away, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.” Hearing that from an “outsider” was very refreshing. My Ma had always said pretty much the same thing, but I had the sense that it was something she felt compelled to say not something that she believed. Hearing it from Grandma though, carried a lot of weight.

So, it brings me right back though. Should I let my grudge against my own father affect the possible relationship that she could have with her grandfather? I’m not sure that there is a right answer because I’m not sure there is a wrong answer. I’m unsure how I want to proceed and as a parent, that is a scary (albeit constant) thought. I seem to be able to picture both futures in my mind’s eye and both come with some serious pros and cons. In the short term, I think that my wife and I have some time to discuss it. It will be a while before she would even start to question the concept of paternal grandparents for starters. Secondly, that leaves me with some time to work things out with my father and see where it leads. One thing is for sure though, I have since softened my feelings about my father. Elizabeth will know that she has a grandfather on my side. She will know that she is loved by him even if they haven’t met. If push comes to shove and I’m not comfortable with him being in her life, then I will accept the personal consequences. I will own up to it. I won’t let her think that SHE is the reason for a lack of personal relationship. So much of the future is up in the air. Being a parent has made me question and face so many things that I never intended. I don’t think that it is a bad thing though.

Thank you for holding in with me, this was not my typical goofy post. I plan on getting back to the tee-hees with my next post. In the meantime, you can find plenty of giggles on Fatterhood’s Facebook page. Check back soon for more updates and I thank you for reading! Prost!