What kind of man does that make me?

Howdy gang,

                As I said in “Grab the Kleenex Y’all” I had been planning on doing one more post about my mother. My original plan had been to get super loaded on November 12^th and write a post. I have had a 2 year tradition of getting crazy ass drunk on the anniversary of Ma’s death, but this year a unique opportunity presented itself and I decided to take it. My best friend Thad Dickson was in town for his cousin’s wedding, but sadly his awesome girlfriend couldn’t make it so he asked me to be his plus one. Since we come from a small town it wasn’t as awkward as it might seem to most, I went to high school with the bride and her sister, her mom works at the bank that I used to use, and being close to Thad’s family we just knew each other anyways. It was quite the departure from my normal tradition of drinking alone with my Ma’s urn and wallowing in my own pity party. I ended up still drinking, but while dancing, singing, and laughing with friends. I decided that this may have to become my new tradition by the way.

                The wedding was fantastic of course, the bride looked wonderful, the ceremony and reception were very classy, I got to hang out with my best friend and his sister for a day, and I got to catch up with a friend I hadn’t seen in probably 10 years. The festivities were a little tainted though by the loss of the family patriarch Archie.  He passed away the Monday before the wedding at the ripe old age of 87. Being close to the family, it was like a loss in my own family. It was an amazing mix of sadness, remembrance, respect, joy, family, and love. As awful as I am sure the loss is for the family, it was truly a sight to behold from an outsider’s perspective. I hate to sound selfish, but it is totally the environment that I needed to be in at the time. The funeral is on Tuesday and I plan on being attendance, possibly with Elizabeth depending on my wife’s work schedule.

                It also made me get very introspective about the loss of my mother. She truly had such an indescribable impact on me and ultimately on Elizabeth. I am reminded of an amazing quote by the 7 year old daughter of comedian Patton Oswalt after the untimely death of her mother. She said, “When your mom dies you’re the best memory of her. Everything you do is a memory of her”. I shouldn’t really surprise me that something so meaningful, simple, touching and elegant should come out of the mouth of a child. She put in to words the very idea that I should have came across myself. Elizabeth is the continuation of my mother’s legacy. My wife is a continuation of that legacy. My job is a continuation of that legacy. Everything I have ever done or will do, is a testament to her as a mother and as a human being. That may seem a wee bit narcissistic, but I don’t mean it to sound as everything I have done or will do is amazing, but rather that all of my successes are her successes. And even with my failures, I know that her unconditional love would mean that she would still support me.

                I don’t think I had mentioned in any previous posts that on October 3^rd every year I shave my head in memory of Ma on the anniversary of her diagnosis. She had lost her hair during the chemotherapy and I shaved my own in head so that she wouldn’t feel so self-conscious. Side note: in case you were wondering what constitutes “best friend” material in my book, Thad actually shaved his head as well. On November 12^th I let it grow out again as a sort of symbol of life carrying on, so to speak.  I actually picked up Elizabeth at daycare the afternoon after I shaved my head, she had not seen me yet and I couldn’t help but laugh at her reaction. I swear to god that she looked at me and raised an eyebrow until I said “Hi Sweetpea!” and then she cracked a smile once she realized who I was. For the last month she enjoyed playing with my bald head, but now that it is time for it to grow out again she still seems to enjoy feeling my hair as it is growing back.  My kiddo is just such a happy-go-lucky little turd that I am always in awe of her. We somehow lucked out as parents and ended up with such a great kid. I am kind of worried about when the other shoe will drop and we will end up with a total shithead. She has her shithead moments of course, but seriously she is so great.

                I am a full bottle of wine in right now and I fear that I have derailed a little. I don’t want to bum anyone out at all as this is supposed to be a humorous blog, but there is a song that reminds me so much of what my wife and I went through during Ma’s illness that after 3 years I still can’t listen to it without crying. If you are interested, it is called Dismantling Summer by The Wonder Years. The line that gets me the most is “If I’m in an airport and you’re in a hospital bed, well then what kind of man does that make me? I’ve been acting like I’m strong, but the truth is I’ve been losing ground.” Like I said in my previous post, I had to work in order to pay the bills even though every fiber of my being wanted to be by her side while she was in the hospital. In order to get through my day, I had to lie to myself and say that it was fine.

 As much as those thoughts eat me up, it really hits on the biggest parent lesson that I learned from Ma. Parenting is sacrifice. I had to act strong just to get through my day so I could pay the bills. When my wife and I had to bear through marriage classes, we were tasked with bringing in an item that represented family to us. I brought in a Mickey Mouse dressed up as Santa toy that has become a x-mas decoration staple at our house. I explained to the group the history behind the item. When I was little and Dad left, money was super tight, but Ma didn’t want me to go without Christmas. Seems dumb, but she was not one for taking “handouts”, she was far too independent and bullheaded for such things, but she put her own pride aside to make sure that I had something to unwrap at Christmas, so that particular item actually came from Toys For Tots. I didn’t know that story until I was much older of course, but that one item really solidified what parenting is…sacrifice. I never have to worry about my own needs. I don’t even really have to worry about my wife’s needs. I have one focus only and that is my daughter. If that means I go without sleep, food, luxury items, then so be it. As long as she is safe, happy, and healthy then it is all worth it.

I have more to say, but I feel this may be a great stopping point. As usual, thank you so much for reading. It is a little late, but if you would please join me in having an adult beverage at your earliest convenience in her honor. I hope to have another post or two up this week, but we can all see how well my intentions have worked out so far. Prost!