Cat's in the cradle

Howdy gang,

                So, I am thoroughly drunk. I was a mere one sheet to the wind when I finished up my other post, but now I am a full 3 sheets to the wind. I have an overall theme/topic for this post, but before I jump in to that I did want to finally update you on my little lady. 1^st off, I can’t believe that she is 10 months old already! Holy shit, when the hell did that happen? She is working on teeth 9 and 10 currently, which blows. Doc said that her early teeth are genetic and that she took after Daddy on this one. Yay! I had all of my teeth before I was 1 and it caused quite a few problems once I got older. Can’t wait for that bullshit. I find it a little hard to believe that she seems to be expressing ONLY my genetics so far. She still has my goofy ass proportions as well. She has moved up to 12 month size shirts, but due to her long torso (just like Daddy) even the 12 month shirts are pretty much belly shirts. She also managed to get my short, stubby legs so she is still in 6-9 month pants, many of which we have to roll up to accommodate her Hobbit-like legs. She also had the misfortune of getting my wide feet, so shoes are just a huge pain in the ass right now.

                Once you negate her goofy ass proportions, she really is such a pretty little girl. Her eyes are currently blue, but they seem to be shifting to more of a green color. In case you were wondering, my wife has Hazel-ish eyes and mine are more of a gray color. Her hair is still a mix of red, blonde, and brunette depending on what light you catch it in. I am pretty sure she will be a little blondie, but I am unsure. If she ends up a ginger then I think Uncle Thad has some explaining to do. Table foods have been all the rage at our house lately. She doesn’t seem to give two shits about fruits or other fun foods. My girl loves green beans. That or anything with strong flavoring. She loved the garlic pesto pasta that my wife made, but couldn’t have been less thrilled with a damn banana. I’m unsure where this is coming from since I was a VERY picky eater until probably 12 years ago. My wife was average for pickiness while growing up, but very adventurous once she got older. Not sure where Elizabeth picked this shit up from though.

                Her personality is starting to become more apparent every day. She loves music, being tickled, and teasing daddy. As it turns out, Karma is real and our constant picking on our niece about her love of “sock hands” has come back to bite us in the ass. She is known as “The Sock Kid” at daycare now. Most of the time she can be found pulling off the other kids’ socks, her own socks, or patrolling the room looking for any unattended sock. Now at home, she has taken to carrying a sock with her wherever she goes. Her new game is to act like she is handing the sock to me and then quickly pulling it away and giggling. She also mimics every damn thing that I do. It managed to even become a problem at daycare and I started playing a game with her where I pretended to eat one of her toys and then pretend to puke it back up. While at daycare they thought she was gagging because she was making the “bleck” fake vomit sound that daddy did. That one took some explaining at daycare…

                I think you are pretty much caught up on my little lady now. I have found myself recently thinking about the past and the present almost simultaneously. I think back to when she was a newborn and how I wished she would start crawling. Now that she is crawling, I long for the days of her being stationary. If you read my last post, I was starting to come up with ways to pay her back once she got older. My number one idea so far, is to wait until she gets a car and then shit in it. Anyways I was mentioning that idea to my father in law when he said, “You just wait until she turns 16. By then you will be wishing your only problem with her was poop.” That got me thinking. Perhaps the grass is always greener in the future only to realize that your grass was pretty green before. As I’ve made mention before, I greatly respect and admire my father in law. He has a way of delivering a profound message with humor that is truly inspiring. This got me thinking though more about my own past and my own future, especially after my 4^th brandy and coke.

                I talked early on in my Fatterhood writings about my own father. To say that he and I are estranged might be putting it lightly. From about 1997-2004, I honestly couldn’t’ have told you if he was alive or dead. We have slowly been trying to start a new relationship, mainly through Facebook at this point. As apprehensive as I still am, I have to admit that he really has been fantastic throughout the whole process thus far. This has really gotten me thinking am I punishing Elizabeth by holding on to my anger? He wants to be a part of her life, he hasn’t explicitly said so, but he has made it clear enough. At this point though, I am not ready for it. But am I denying her the opportunity to get to know her grandfather because I am holding on to a 26ish year old grudge?

Following the death of my mother, but before my father and I started to reconcile, I had promised myself that my future child would be told that their paternal grandparents were both dead. This thought came with the best of intentions. I wanted to shield my child from any of the pain, anger, or weight that I had growing up, but looking at it now, I think that my idea may in fact cause those things. Whenever the though crosses my mind, I think back to what my grandmother had told me. While sitting at her dinner table I had told her that I received a letter from my dad and that I didn’t want to open it. I told her that I didn’t care what he had to say. That’s when she told me, “You’re dad had a lot of problems. I don’t think your Ma has told me about all of the problems he’s had. But I do know one thing Brian…your dad has always loved you. He may not being showing it the way you or anybody else would like, but I know he loves you. With all of the problems that he’s had, maybe the best thing he could do is to stay away, but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.” Hearing that from an “outsider” was very refreshing. My Ma had always said pretty much the same thing, but I had the sense that it was something she felt compelled to say not something that she believed. Hearing it from Grandma though, carried a lot of weight.

So, it brings me right back though. Should I let my grudge against my own father affect the possible relationship that she could have with her grandfather? I’m not sure that there is a right answer because I’m not sure there is a wrong answer. I’m unsure how I want to proceed and as a parent, that is a scary (albeit constant) thought. I seem to be able to picture both futures in my mind’s eye and both come with some serious pros and cons. In the short term, I think that my wife and I have some time to discuss it. It will be a while before she would even start to question the concept of paternal grandparents for starters. Secondly, that leaves me with some time to work things out with my father and see where it leads. One thing is for sure though, I have since softened my feelings about my father. Elizabeth will know that she has a grandfather on my side. She will know that she is loved by him even if they haven’t met. If push comes to shove and I’m not comfortable with him being in her life, then I will accept the personal consequences. I will own up to it. I won’t let her think that SHE is the reason for a lack of personal relationship. So much of the future is up in the air. Being a parent has made me question and face so many things that I never intended. I don’t think that it is a bad thing though.

Thank you for holding in with me, this was not my typical goofy post. I plan on getting back to the tee-hees with my next post. In the meantime, you can find plenty of giggles on Fatterhood’s Facebook page. Check back soon for more updates and I thank you for reading! Prost!