Who the hell does this kid think she is?

Greetings and salutations gang!

Just to bring everyone up to speed. I am as new to this blogging thing as I am to this whole parenting thing. I lead a questionable lifestyle for a parent. I drink, smoke cigars, go to concerts, am almost 30 and still laugh uncontrollably at dick jokes, and I am a mild workaholic. My life has changed already in a month, but I have no real intention of really changing any time soon. That should about do it...

Now, on with the show. I love my daughter, don't get me wrong, but she is a sociopath! Her behavior is totally unacceptable in adult society. In only one month of life she has managed to poop, pee, spit up, sneeze and cough on me. A few of those sneezes and coughs were directly into my open mouth and or eyes. I have been "fish hooked" by those little talons that she calls hands. While yawning, her little hand shot out and somehow ended up in my mouth! AND...AND she insists on making eye contact with me while she poops! I swear she knows that I am going to have to change it and, much like a cat, she takes some sort of sick pleasure in seeing the look on my face. She has also started to make direct eye contact with me while see is breast feeding with my wife. It's a look that just drips "Yeah, you wish you were here huh?".

If you don't believe me that this is the work of a sociopath then here is the definition, Sociopath: a person with a personality disorder manifesting itself in extreme antisocial attitudes and behavior and a lack of conscience. Sure sounds like my daughter to me! Not once has she apologized for any of these behaviors. She has even begun to smile after doing some of them. How does one tell the difference between an infant and a serial killer? So far, the only difference seems to be the hand-eye coordination.

This may sound like anger, but really it's jealousy. I would love to spend one day like my daughter does. Being carried around all over the place, when I get "hangry" someone pops a boob in my mouth, and I basically get to be a raging dickhead all day. I truly do love the kid, but if you don't believe that this behavior is unacceptable, then I challenge you to try any of her behaviors at work today. You won't have a job for long. This dude gets it though https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zdtD19tXX30

To be fair though, I have my own dickish behaviors. When people are around I refer to Elizabeth as Ewok. It is my cute little nerdy nickname for her. When it is just Elizabeth and my wife around we refer to her as simply "Da Butt". It is a shortened version of Elizabutt, the nickname we gave her after she pooped all over me during a diaper change. But when Mommy isn't around...her nickname is usually "Shithead". Yes. I am an a-hole. I say it in a very soothing voice and I smile and make faces at her. So don't worry, I doubt I am doing any lasting harm to her. I just enjoy swearing and I am trying to get as much in before she starts actually listening to me and I have to try to stop. The picture is what happens when Dad gets bored by the way and is proof of my dickish behavior. As it turns out, eyeliner is a real pain in the ass to get off an infant's face!

I hope you all have been enjoying the posts so far. I have been very excited to see over 100 blog reads from 3 different countries in just over 24 hours! Don't be afraid to comment by the way. Would love to hear from y'all. I will also slowly be working on some customization for this blog to make it look a little nicer. Thanks for reading, and as always...Cheers!