Howdy gang,
I had
mentioned in a earlier post that it seemed like for the majority of human history
dads had it pretty easy. In the beginning, dads clubbed a woman over the head,
had a baby, hunted, then died at the ripe old age of 17. Things changed over
time and the clubbing went away and hunting was replaced with work of some sort
and they had to actually remember the child’s name and then they died at 50.
Still pretty easy though. Somewhere in the 80’s things changed yet again and
men were expected to be in the delivery room, they took time off of work, they
started actually being parents. Now, I know this obviously isn’t the case for
every dad throughout history, but for the most part, that’s pretty much how it
has gone. I grew up watching old tv shows with my grandparents, so I honestly
thought that marriage and the subsequent children would be pretty much like I
Love Lucy, Leave It To Beaver, All In The Family, etc. The man was the king of
his castle and he went to work while his queen took care of the house and
children. When he came home he would be greeted by a homemade meal, his
children would bring him his slippers and pipe and he would have a scotch on
the rocks waiting for him while he sat in his recliner and read the evening
newspaper. TV is bullshit.
Now I
am not saying that tv being bullshit is a bad thing. I have no delusions about
who wears the pants in my family. My wife handles all of the finances, she
keeps track of schedules, she makes the benjamins, and she calls the shots. On
top of all of that, we split up house chores. Due to all of her dietary
restrictions I refuse to cook. The last time I did that it could not have gone
more poorly. So she does the cooking, but I take my turn on dishes. I do the
majority of the laundry and the vacuuming, I mow the lawn, and pitch in with
the garden, and I usually let our chickens out and collect eggs. I may bitch
and moan about “all the things that I have to do” but the amount that my wife
does, truly astonishes me. Not only does she do all the things that I
mentioned, but she also works full time and has the added duty of breastfeeding
Elizabeth. She has become Elizabeth’s “slave cow” as my brother in law puts it.
I got tired just typing up everything that she does on an average day.
As
alluring as the thought is about being greeted by a loving wife, 2.4 kids, and
a dog when I come home from a hard day at the office; it just isn’t us. My
crazy and unpredictable work schedule comes with some definite headaches, but
the upshot is that some weeks I may actually only work 2 or 3 days, so I get to
actually be with my daughter and experience her grow up. Of course, there are
the other weeks when I work 7 days and don’t actually get to see her because I
am either out on the road or getting home at 1am. I think it evens out in the
long run though.
On the
flipside of things, fatherhood will also never really be like Full House
either. I can tell you right now that if Elizabeth ever backs a cement truck in
to my kitchen and dumps the cement, I won’t say with a wink, “That’s coming out
of your allowance” and then we hug it out. From what I have seen thus far, is
life is much closer to Married With Children. Minus the blood and wallet
sucking wife (the shithead children remains to be seen). I am “respected” as a
husband and a father, but it is more of a honorary title, a figurehead if you
will. I am good for some laughs from time to time (mostly at my expense) and I
have my role to play, but my wife calls the shots and soon she will have a
little one to back her up. God…how bleak? It’s not really as bad as I make it
sound. I know my place and I know what I am good for.
For
Ewok updates, we have officially started a legit bedtime routine. My wife gets
home from work around 6pm every night. Her and I eat and usually Elizabeth is
hungry by about 7ish. Before we let her eat, we get her in her pajamas and get
her in a fresh diaper. After she eats she usually gets “tit-faced” and passes
out. By 8 or 830 we have her in her crib and then my wife and I can actually
get stuff done. We have bottles to clean, dishes to do, a never ending supply
of laundry, we get diaper bags ready for the next day and outfits laid out. My
wife tries to be in bed by 10pm as she is usually up by 430 am. Ewok now
usually only wakes up once or twice in the night to eat. I know my wife has one
hell of a morning routine, but to be honest…I have no clue as to what it is
since I am usually dead asleep. Somehow she gets herself and Elizabeth ready in
the mornings, drops her off at daycare by 630 and makes it to work by 7. I get
why my wife is the queen, my daughter is the princess and I am the jester.
Although, my wife is already warning Ewok that my jokes get less funny over
time… everyone is a critic I guess.
I hope
to have another post or two up by this Friday, so check back soon. As usual,
please like Fatterhood on Facebook and thanks for reading. Prost!
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