Hey Gang,
As promised I will have to share
the tale that was Elizabeth’s Milwaukee trip. Before I start this delightful
yarn, I do have a small update. As of Monday, Elizabeth has started a new type
of crying. I am attempting to get a good video of it, but it starts with a
grin, then the face shifts to a eyes wide open look of shock/horror and her
arms start moving back and forth (almost giving you the impression that she is
excited) and she then proceeds to let out the most ear piercing scream/cry you
have ever heard. I thought the type of crying she did 8 weeks ago was loud and
high pitched…that shit was cute and soothing comparatively. This new cry
reminds me of piglets getting clipped, a high pitched wail that makes it sound
like my wife and I are trying to slowly murder her. HOW DARE YOU PEOPLE TRY TO
HOLD ME AND COMFORT ME! Anyways, back to Milwaukee…
We left Friday late morning. I had
to run in to work for a few hours and it was some sort of divine happenstance
that I got home RIGHT when Elizabeth finished eating. I had loaded the car the
night before so I loaded the ladies in and we were on our way. SHE WAS SOOOO
GOOD! My god. My wife had to stop to pee more times that Elizabeth fussed. If
she woke up we just played Old Crow Medicine Show’s Wagon Wheel or Coheed and
Cambria’s Wake Up and we would sing along. Da Butt would almost immediately pass
out. She might be the only person in human history to be soothed by my wife and
I singing (it is actually similar to Elizabeth’s new cry in my opinion). She
made the full 3.5 hour trip to the hotel with no problems. She woke up and
started to fuss right as we took the exit for our hotel. Got to the room, she
ate, she pooped, she napped, and then she was ready to rock again.
We meet some friends at a
restaurant downtown (sidenote: If you are in Milwaukee, Fat-dad for sure
suggests going to Stacked. Awesome burgers and amazing beer list!). I avoid
using names of friends or family in this blog unless I have their permission so
let’s call these friends Jack and Diane. Diane cried when she saw Elizabeth.
Jack and I grabbed some beers and the wives caught up too. Da Butt ate there in
the restaurant and again by divine happenstance, as soon as she was done our
food came out. She sat like a good little Ewok in her carseat while all four of
us got to eat together. We ended up trekking down to the Milwaukee Ale House
and got a few rounds of drinks. There was a group of frat boys that Elizabeth
couldn’t keep her eyes off of. My Fat-dad senses were going off at this point,
until I noticed that all of these frat boys were waving at her and making goofy
faces. It was actually pretty damn funny.
After a few rounds, it was decided
that the butt needed to have her picture taken with Milwaukee’s most famous
landmark…The Bronze Fonz! We walked the 5 or so blocks and got a stranger to
take our picture with the beloved 50’s greaser. We walked back to the car and
made our way back to the hotel. It was on the way home that Elizabeth had apparently
had enough of being good. Nothing would comfort this kid! No song would soothe
her. No pacifier would pacify her. Nothing. She got herself so worked up that
she started with the big old crocodile tears. As soon as my wife got her in to
our room she spit up. A lot. Like exorcist style. We got her cleaned up, got
her changed and fed, and our friends came up to the room and we stayed up and
chatted more while Diane rocked Elizabeth to sleep. We called it a night around
130am.
The next morning, Elizabeth was
more her normal self. We ate, we napped, we basically chilled until my wife’s
parents came up to the room. We got geared up to go to the game, we moved the
carseat, and we made our way to the parking lot at Miller Park for the
tailgating. Grandpa and Fat-dad did some grilling and smoked a few cigars while
Elizabeth ate yet again. She was so well behaved yet again. She sat nicely in
her carrier and slept even though it was hotter than Satan’s butthole outside.
We made our way in to the park, but Fat-dad’s belt buckle set off the metal
detector. Not saying that I would, nor would I condone anyone else attempting
it, but it is really amazing what a person could get away with if they have a
baby in their arms. The security person did a very half-assed tickle search and
waved me through before Da Butt woke up.
Now, I did forget to say that this
was Star Wars Night at Miller Park. My father in law goes in on season tickets
with a few guys from his work and when he realized that he had the tickets for
that weekend, he of course assumed that my nerdy ass was going to want to go.
He went so far as to get an extra ticket up in the nose bleed seats so that I
could get the limited edition Stormin’ Gorman Stormtrooper bobblehead! The game
is obviously the same, but there are Star Wars/Brewer’s themed items
everywhere. They do Star Wars names for the players and members of the 501st
Legion Star Wars Costume Club were out in full…force (see what I did there?). I
don’t know what amount of money it would require for me to dress up like
Chewbacca in 92 degree weather…but it would have to be a lot. I managed to get
Elizabeth’s picture taken with Chewbacca himself, and with a few assorted
Imperial troopers. Needless to say…I was very excited.
Somewhere in the 2nd or
3rd inning, Elizabeth and my wife got very hot and it was going to
get close to feeding time anyways, so the two of them and my mother-in-law
decided to make their way up to the air conditioned club box. That left my
father-in-law and I to sit and enjoy the game by ourselves, which was absolutely
fine by both of us. At one point though there was a wild foul ball that went
streaking right by my father-in-law’s head and hit the woman behind him! Couldn’t
help but think about what I would have done if Elizabeth had still been sitting
so close to us then! A few innings later there was yet another wild foul ball
that came down right behind us and was caught by a Scout Trooper and promptly
given to one of the young boys that was sitting in front of us. That was almost
twice that my little Ewok was popped in the face with a foul ball!
Somewhere in the 7th
inning, the girls came back to the seats and Elizabeth was just out like a
freaking light. Braun hit a homerun and the stadium went nuts. Fireworks were
going off and people were cheering and hooting. She slept right through it.
Couldn’t believe it. Brewers beat the Mets and we made our way out to the
parking lot where my father-in-law and I promptly lit up cigars and cracked
open a few PBRs while we waited for the lot to clear out. Elizabeth fed in the
truck with my wife and eventually ended up passing out right on the tailgate.
We left the park, and went out to
dinner where she finally woke up. Changed her diaper in the men’s room and
ended up with a conundrum…I also had to pee. I left her on the changing table,
did my business, and then realized the strap on the table was broken so I
couldn’t strap her in. She isn’t rolling around yet, but I just knew if I went
to wash my hands that this would be the exact moment that she decided to roll
over and off of the table. A dude came in and saw my situation and said, “Yeah…I
remember that. I will watch her for you while you wash your hands.”. Thank God!
We ate dinner right as a huge group of people were seated. All 4 of us got to
eat in peace though because Elizabeth was simply enthralled by the people
sitting next to us. She wouldn’t take her eyes off them. Don’t know what was so
entertaining, but I am glad she was entertained while we ate at least.
Sunday morning, we made our way
home. I had to tell you about her sleeping through the homerun because on the
way home she was dead asleep, but I made the critical mistake of coughing. Not
even a deep hack, a light little cough. Almost a throat clear more than a
cough. And she woke up screaming. WTF?! She slept through 40,000 people yelling
and fireworks, but Dad’s cough really ruined her Zen-like calm. Still, all
things said and done, she was so good the whole trip. I had to wonder if while
my wife and I were talking about having a child, my sperm started talking and
were like, “The Fat Guy isn’t sure he wants kids right now, I think we should
send Elizabeth first. She is the most well behaved and will trick him in to
having more! Then we can send all of the shitheads after her!”. That has to be
it…
Anyways, that was Da Butt’s
adventure in Milwaukee. If you would like to see some more pictures or just
join in the more everyday fun, you can like Fatterhood on Facebook at www.facebook.com/fatterhood Cheers!
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