Howdy all,
I know
that this is supposed to be a humorous blog, but sometimes something so
terrible happens that I have to stop and say my piece sans the dick jokes.
After the recent tragedy in Orlando where 50 people were shot and killed and
another 50+ were wounded I just can’t help but think of “What if Elizabeth
ended up being a lesbian”? I have been pondering this question all day and I
guess I will have to walk you through my thought process.
We
spent the whole weekend in Milwaukee to see some friends and go to a Brewer’s
game (There will be a whole separate post on those events later). On Saturday,
we dressed The Ewok up in a little Brewer’s onesie and she looked god damn
adorable! But…it was actually a “boy’s” outfit. It was all white, had stitching
like a baseball and said Milwaukee Brewers. The whole game, my wife and I had
people asking “How old is he?”. We decided to act cool and not correct anyone
since it’s an honest mistake. But I was really bummed out with how strong
gender stereotypes are in America. Just because Da Butt isn’t in pink with a
frilly dress, doesn’t mean she is a boy. It is freaking ridiculous. I have mentioned
before that I was not raised with strong male gender definitions. I had a single
mom, so she did her best to fill both roles. She attempted to get me into
sports, but I really didn’t care for it. I ended up doing the play in high
school where I caught sooooooo much shit from the guys in my school. “Only
girls do the play fag!” Which may be true, the ratio was firmly more females
than males, but that meant I was hanging out with the ladies all day while
those dudes were rolling on the ground in a giant man-pile and then showering
together. So…
My own
mother had asked me if I was gay at one point. It had been a while since I had
a girlfriend. We were sitting on the couch and out of nowhere she asked if I
was gay. She was quick to say that it was fine if I was, but she was just
wondering. I explained that no, I wasn’t gay and that I just hadn’t had any
girls that interested me for a while. It was just bizarre at the time, but I
really do believe that it would not have made a single difference in the way
she treated or loved me, but she was genuinely interested in my life. She had a
few gay friends when I was younger, so she was obviously cool with it and I
guess I just never really thought about it until I got older and I had several
friends that came out. Now, I have several gay, lesbian, transgender, bisexual
friends. I pick on them about being gay like I pick on my friend for being ginger.
It is an easy attribute to run with, but it doesn’t actually change my opinion
on them. They pick on me for being fat and we go back and forth. One could say
we have a gay old time…but everyone else would roll their eyes at that terrible
pun.
So what
would happen if Elizabeth ended up being a lesbian? Nothing would change other
than I would be even more protective! The first time someone tried making fun
of her or making her feel bad about herself, I would lose my shit. I would be a
reverse hate crime. To me, Ewok being a lesbian would actually be the best case
scenario. In this scenario she would of course end up dating my and my wife’s
good friends’ daughter and they would get married, end up adopting a wonderful
child (or I.F. either way), I would end up being a grandpa, and my friend and I
would be related through marriage and have a legit reason to hang out all of
the time. Bonus, she wouldn’t get pregnant in high school. Not to say that that
is the worst thing to ever happen to a person, I have several friends that had
kids in high school and they say it is the best thing that ever happened to
them. But let’s be fair…it wasn’t exactly Plan A either. How awesome would that
be? Would I love her less? Hell no. Would anything really change in how I feel
about my daughter? Again… hell no. The idea that someone would disown their
child just because they love someone of the same gender, is just crazy to me.
What is
even crazier is that some asshat, that doesn’t like what two consenting adults
do with their genitals in the privacy of their own home, shoots 100 people. What
the ever loving hell?! I will be perfectly honest, I don’t care for gay sex
either. But I have found a great way to deal with that…I don’t do it! I don’t
worry about what consenting adults do with their genitals! There are soooo many
great reasons to hate somebody, but what they do with their genitals in their
own home, isn’t one of them. I couldn’t even imagine being the parent of one of
the victims and having to hear that my child was shot while they were out
dancing with their partner for the soul reason that they are gay…it sickens me with
just the thought of being in those shoes.
I had
posted it on the Facebook page, but please join me in raising a glass to the
victims of this tragedy and for the family of the victims. If you are the
parent of a LGBT child and are reading this, keep your chin up and keep on
loving your child. If you are someone that has shunned a loved one for finding
love in “the wrong place”, then I hope you realize that you are on the wrong
side of history, human decency, and common sense. Prost…
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