Dad is not a babysitter!

Howdy all,

                Fat-dad had been absent for far too long. The last 2 weeks have been a whirlwind. I had my very first Father’s day! It was fantastic. My wife let me be sooooo lazy that I made a rug look ambitious. Da Butt and I took sooooo many naps and watched almost an entire season of Supernatural. It was amazing. Elizabeth got me a gift and that girl already gets me, although I do think she might have had help from my wife. She got me a new coffee tumbler with one of her newborn photos on it. For those that don’t know me personally, on an average day I drink enough caffeinated beverages to kill an average sized moose, so it really was a perfect gift.

                Work has been trying to kill me, but my wife has been great about sending lots of pictures to me every day. It is amazing to look through my phone and see how much she has grown in just over 2 months. I know this is not a popular thought, but even though I think my daughter was born gorgeous and perfect, I still think all newborns look like little old mean. They are bald, they have scrunched up faces, no teeth, they poop themselves, etc. Now, obviously my daughter was the cutest little old man, but now she is growing so much. Now she reminds me more of a Mr. Potato Head that cries and instead of having extra parts in her butt, she has massive amounts of shit. She is starting to develop a personality. For about a month or so we have been getting plenty of smiles out of her. The big toothless grins are just heart melting. But over the last week or so, we have been getting giggles out of her. She laughs kind of like Peter Griffin from Family Guy right now. According to my wife, she giggles at pictures of me, which isn’t all that surprising as I am a goofy looking guy. I have seen her now laugh at her own farts, which to me is more proof that she is mine than any genetic testing available.

                2 or 3 weeks ago, we were at the mall so my wife could do a little clothes shopping. This may come as a surprise to some, but Fat-dad got really bored and decided to take Da Butt to a few different stores that I would enjoy since she was out like a light in her stroller. Ewok and I left and we went to a few different stores, but I made a fatal mistake while looking at video games at Game Stop…I stopped moving the stroller. Idiot! She woke up fussing almost immediately. I pulled her out of the stroller and put her on my shoulder and tried to comfort her. Right here I learned how to get through a line quickly. There were 2 people in front of me in the checkout line, but with a crying baby on my shoulder they parted like Moses parting the Red Sea and told me to go ahead of them. I don’t know if any of you have ever made a purchase at Game Stop, but normally they have a billion questions before you can leave the freakin’ store with your purchase. “Are you an elite member?” “Do you know about our rewards program?” Blah blah blah. Not with a crying infant. I have never seen anyone move so fast.

                I left the store with Da Butt resting on my shoulder and we made our way back to my wife because it was becoming apparent that she was hungry. As we are walking through the mall, I was eyed up by sooo many people. At first I felt a little self conscious about it, because I thought maybe I didn’t look like the type of guy that normally holds an infant, so maybe people thought I stole a baby. But after a while, it became apparent that many people still are used to seeing just a Dad and an infant with no Mom present. I had a lady give me a thumbs up. But I did have one say something that is kind of the basis of this post, “So nice to a see a Dad taking a turn babysitting.”. Now, I know what she meant, but I was really tempted to say, “Bitch, I’m a dad, not a babysitter!”. But after I stopped and thought about it, for the majority of human history, Dads really have been able to skate by. Pretty much as long as you knew your child’s name, kept food on the table, roof over the family’s head, and could at least remember what month the kid was born in, you were pretty much considered Father of the Year. Of course that description is not every Dad throughout history, but as an overall average, it is fairly accurate. But in this day and age, the dynamic has shifted and I don’t think it’s a bad thing. I WANT to be a part of my daughter’s life and it bugs me that there are still a few pieces of shit out there that don’t.

                I found out that I was not alone in my thoughts. There is an entire social media movement based around the idea that Dad is a parent, not a babysitter. I was doing a lot of reading on the subject and I found an army of Dads that are very similar to me in that regard. But I did also find a few things that I called bullshit on. Like I said, I totally agree with their overall message, but it turns out this is the group that also looses their shit every time that there is a commercial that shows a Dad in a negative light. We all know the commercials, (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qlfxumj9R68) we giggle at them and we move on with our day. Not these dudes. They flip out every time one of these is aired because it shows Dad as less of a parent. I see where they are coming from I guess, but come on! I still consider myself a parent but I will totally admit that I am not as good at it as my wife. She has been waiting for this her whole life and has been essentially studying to be a mom the whole time. Where Fat-dad here, used to like to get lit and watch Teletubbies. Of course I am not going to come out of the gate at full speed. I do my best and I am learning something new every single day, but I usually learn my lesson after making some REALLY stupid mistake. I think it is half the fun of being a parent to be honest. Go talk to your parents after reading this, if they only tell you about the amazing things they did and how they never made any mistakes (Moms included) then, mozel tov! You have the best parents in the world! But my guess is the majority of their stories will be the times that they messed up.

                I don’t get too bummed about any of this anymore by the way, as I stated before, I am slowly realizing that my endeavor of “not changing” is doomed from the start. I spent 8 years in a Catholic school, and even God himself changed after having a kid. Don’t believe me? Flip through the Old Testament. God is constantly sending down plagues, smiting sinners, drowning the planet, etc. But then flip through the New Testament, all of a sudden, Jesus the son of God shows up and the messaging changes. Instead of eye for an eye and all sinners will be cast down to the pits of hell, it’s “Love everyone and let’s all get along”. If God himself can’t keep up his former lifestyle, I don’t think I should beat myself up too much if I drink less beer.

                There is a certain amount of irony with this post, tonight will be the first night that I will be totally solo with Da Butt for about 8 hours. Yep, Fat-dad is on babysitting duty…I will be doing another post about what lead to this and of course will have to do a post about how tonight goes. So you will have to keep your eyes peeled. I am sure it will be a train wreck. Don’t forget to like Fatterhood on Facebook to get more daily pictures and funny comments without having to read my full diatribes. As always, thanks for reading and prost!